Why Anxiety Makes You Want to Be Certain
Anxiety isn't particularly comfortable with “I don't know.” It wants answers. Preferably now. When the outcome matters to you, uncertainty can feel even harder to tolerate. Maybe you're deciding whether to change jobs. You want to know you'll be happier before you leave. Maybe you're sending an important email. You want to know exactly how the other person will interpret it before you hit send. Maybe you're dating someone. You want to know where the relationship is going before allowing yourself to relax into it.
These are understandable things to want. But sometimes you're asking yourself to know something that isn't actually knowable yet. No amount of thinking can guarantee how another person will respond, whether you'll ever regret a decision, or exactly how something will turn out. That doesn't necessarily stop your brain from trying.
Perfectionism Can Make Overthinking Even Louder
Overthinking and
perfectionism often work well together. If you believe there's a “right” decision, it makes sense that you'd want to keep thinking until you find it.
You might tell yourself: I just need to make sure. I don't want to make a mistake.
I should have thought this through better. What if I regret this later?
Underneath those thoughts may be a belief that making the wrong decision says something about you. Maybe it means you weren't careful enough. Smart enough.
Prepared enough. Responsible enough.
So instead of asking yourself to make a reasonable decision with the information you have, you start asking yourself to make a
perfect decision with information you don't have yet.
That's an impossible standard.
Signs You May Be Stuck in an Overthinking Loop
Overthinking doesn't always look like sitting alone worrying for hours. It can sneak into everyday situations. You might notice that you:
- Replay conversations and analyze what you or someone else said.
- Write and rewrite messages before sending them.
- Regularly ask other people what they think you should do.
- Research a decision long after you already have enough information.
- Make a choice and then immediately start questioning it.
- Imagine multiple worst-case scenarios so you can feel prepared.
- Have difficulty letting go of mistakes or awkward moments.
- Put off decisions because you're waiting to feel completely certain.
- Frequently wonder whether you made the “right” choice.
You may even make perfectly reasonable decisions and still struggle to trust them afterward. And that's an important distinction. Sometimes the problem isn't that you don't know how to make decisions. It's that
you don't trust yourself once you've made one.
How to Stop Overthinking Everything
Trying to force yourself to “just stop thinking about it” usually isn't very helpful. If it were that easy, you probably would have done it already. Instead, the goal is to recognize when thinking has stopped being useful and practice responding differently.
1. Ask Whether You're Solving or Circling
When you notice yourself returning to the same issue, pause. Ask:
“Am I actually solving this, or am I going in circles?”
Then get specific. Is there new information I need? Is there an action I can take? Or am I asking myself the same questions hoping I'll eventually feel completely certain?
If there is useful information to gather, gather it. If there's an action to take, take it. But if you're repeating the same mental conversation, more thinking may not be what you need.
2. Replace “Am I Sure?” With “Do I Know Enough?”
Overthinking often asks you to reach an
impossible threshold:
Be completely certain before moving forward.
Try changing the question. Instead of: Am I sure this is the right decision? Ask:
“Do I have enough information to make a reasonable decision?”
There's a big difference between making a careless choice and making a thoughtful choice without knowing exactly what will happen. Most decisions in life require some uncertainty.
3. Give Yourself a Decision Deadline
If you tend to endlessly research or weigh your options, give yourself a stopping point. For a smaller decision, maybe you give yourself ten minutes. For something bigger, maybe you decide you'll gather information until Friday and then make your choice.
The point isn't to rush yourself. It's to recognize when additional thinking is no longer giving you meaningful new information. At some point, you have to move from thinking about the decision to actually making it.
4. Notice When You're Looking for Reassurance
Sometimes overthinking moves outside our own heads. You ask one friend what they think. Then another. Then maybe someone else just to make sure.
Reassurance can feel good in the moment. But if you repeatedly need someone else to tell you that your decision is okay, it can make it harder to build confidence in your own judgment.
Before asking someone else, pause and ask:
“What do I think?”
You can still seek support. The goal isn't to never ask for advice. It's to make sure your own voice is part of the conversation.
5. Practice Letting a Decision Stay Made
You've made the choice. Now comes the hard part: Don't reopen it. Notice when your brain wants to go back. Maybe I should reconsider. What if I got it wrong? Let me think about it one more time.
Instead of automatically following the thought, try:
“I've already made this decision. I'm going to let it stand.” The discomfort may still be there. That's okay. You don't have to feel completely confident before you stop reconsidering.
6. Let Yourself Be Uncertain
This may be the hardest part. Overthinking often isn't really about finding a better answer. It's about trying to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling of
not knowing.
But what if the goal isn't to eliminate uncertainty? What if the goal is learning that you can handle it? You can send the email without knowing exactly how it will be received. You can make a decision without knowing whether you'll ever regret it. You can have a conversation without planning every possible response. You can move forward without knowing exactly what happens next.
Self-Trust Doesn't Mean Always Making the Right Decision
One reason overthinking can be so difficult to let go of is that we often misunderstand what it means to trust ourselves.
Self-trust isn't believing you'll always make the perfect choice. You won't. None of us will. Self-trust is knowing that
even if something doesn't go exactly as planned, you can respond to what happens next. Maybe you'll change your mind. Maybe you'll learn something. Maybe you'll ask for help. Maybe you'll make a different decision next time. The goal isn't to predict every outcome. It's to trust yourself enough to take the next step without having all the answers first.
So the next time you notice yourself going back over the same decision, conversation, or worry, ask:
“Am I actually solving this, or am I going in circles?”
If you've already done the thinking you need to do, see what happens when you let yourself move forward. You don't need complete certainty to take the next step.
Sometimes confidence comes after you take it.
